Friday, October 17, 2008

She said- Solo

I have over analyzed relationships to death in the past. It is the curse I have after I ask tons of questions and start to make decisions for the other person.

D is a genuine good guy, a rare commodity in this world. I think I can count on one hand the amount of men I know that have hearts of gold, that care for humankind with open arms. He is also a hardass. I say his business savvy is “cutthroat apathy”, he has this duality in him… very Gemini-ish (He’s a Libra) and sometimes it causes me to step back a little.

In one of my conversations with him we had talked about his past relationships (I am a stickler for this, I need to know everything, it’s like a peace of mind for me, to know all the aspects of someone and how they treat their exs and how they feel for them now), finding this out, I realized that he truly does have some things with emotions. It’s like a glass ceiling in his head that causes emotions to halt their growth after a certain point. He can care deeply for someone, but for him to go beyond that, it takes something in his mind to snap.

I am the opposite, I love deeply. When I love it encompasses my soul and nothing else seems to matter, now, there is a fault in that, my love is fierce and burns up quickly. Now, those few months are exquisite and all encompassing, after that, I have to recollect myself and evaluate if I could be comfortable with that person for an extended amount of time.

After my split up with my ex I needed to change how I looked at relationships and what I was doing wrong. I took along break to heal, and to get my head on straight. I came out of it with bigger walls and a steadier foundation for my family.

I took on this relationship a little differently. I wanted to see if I could get comfortable with him first, to see if I could see beyond any future emotions and trust myself to see the truth.

So that night, we talked, a lot. He made dinner, we had some wine, we were doing our usual talking that came so easily to us, and then it hit me. I was frustrated, I was anxious and then it slapped me in the face and I spoke without thinking…

“I don’t trust you”

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