Mental note… Do not tell an honest good guy that you don’t trust him, it comes as a shock to them, and they have never been told that before. Also, watch your words, because sometimes when you spout off a thought, it’s important to use the right words.
It is not that I don’t trust him; I worry about his ability to love. I know myself; I know that I am fierce in my emotions, who was I to demand this from anyone else? Hell, who was I to even request it?
Then the questions came: What was I doing here? Was I holding out for something that could never happen, after 37 years, who was I to expect a change from him?
He closed up immediately. This was a side of him I had never seen, it was like he was hurt, injured by the words that in retrospect I should have not used. He was quiet, and distant, I could see the thoughts spinning in his head. We spent an hour in this difficult silence, even went to bed with the unknown hanging over our heads.
Luckily, the boy thinks fast, and he started talking, questioning, mulling through his thoughts and requesting mine. We never fought, we never raised a voice, and we were just honest.
Decisions were made. Not at the request of someone else, for our own needs. We are here, at least until February, at least until we see this connection through.
How could we not? The spark is there, the affection is there, we dance around one another as if we are testing the very fibers of who we are. We both know that this is going to go further than either of us knew it would, we met at a chance to have dinner and entertain during the quiet times, and somehow, we came that comfort for each other. How do I feel about him? I feel lucky to have him in my life, I feel as if he reads me like an open book.
The question I keep asking myself… Do I love him? I love who I am with him and I love to be tangled up in him. As for anything else… Time is a constant, emotions are fickle. I can say that if anyone is going to open that door again, it’s going to have to be someone like him. It’s a pretty strong door.
Ok, the saga has begun, he leaves for vacation on Saturday and I’m dreading every last day of it…. Thanks for sharing this with me, I am putting up his last entry, and I promise a picture of the two of us soon!!